Revisionist Tarzan Leaves Out Tarzan

Johnny Weissmuller got cast as Tarzan for his loincloth-wearing ability, not his acting skill.

Entertainment Weekly has a bit about a new version of Tarzan, set to be directed by Stephen Sommers (the Mummy movies, amongst other big action-adventurers) and written by Stuart Beattie (the first Pirates of the Caribbean movie, the current Australia).

The pair, who also teamed up for next year’s GI Joe: The Rise of Cobra, are ditching many of the familiar things we associate with Tarzan. For example, EW says “he’ll be trading his loincloth for khakis.” The boy raised by apes origin story is also out. The 1912 setting will be replaced by the 1930s. In place, we’ll supposedly get:

“…a 1930’s-set romp with a hefty helping of romance: Think Pirates of the Caribbean with buffed-and-tanned actors flying through the jungle and sprinting up trees, parkour-style.”

On its own, that sounds somewhere between ludicrously bad and hysterically funny bad. But if you cut out a) the boy raised by apes origin story and b) take Tarzan out of the loincloth, then what exactly is left? Certainly not Tarzan. What’s it about? A guy who just likes to hang out in the jungle? In fact it just sounds an awful lot like The Mummy format thrown into the jungle. Actually, it just sounds awful. Who handed out the rights for this one? Is there anyone from the Edgar Rice Burroughs estate who can sue? I would be more horrified except I’m so confused and I’m having a tough time wrapping my mind around this thing.