Let’s not go and lose our heads over this movie.
Okay, one of the folks over at UGO says he/she (sorry, it’s posted under the name unisex name jordan) saw Cloverfield and has posted a bunch of spoilers about it. I’m willing to believe the UGO-er because the details are very specific; the other alternative would be that Jordan made up this enormous web of lies just for the heck of it, in which case we are talking about a life too sad to contemplate. Anyway, I’ll post the info below the picture, so if you want to know about it, keep on reading. If not…bail out now!
Here you go, thanks again to UGO!
Q: What the hell does the monster look like? Is it a whale with feet?
A: It is not a whale with feet. But it is difficult to describe. I haven’t seen a monster quite like this before. That doesn’t mean that you don’t get a good look at him. You do. But even still. He kinda looks like a giant gray dinosaur with creepy backwards ostrich legs. But that’s not the scariest part. The legs are really meaty and almost look human-like. There are times when he looks like a biped and other times when he looks like a quadruped. He has a lizard-y face and he’s got sacs up by his temples when he breathes (I guess.) He also has some whippy tentacle arms that fly at you when you try to cross the Brooklyn Bridge.
Q: Is that the only monster in the movie?
A: No, the big monster drops these little buggy guys. They zip around like mini-versions of the bugs from Starship Troopers or like leggy facehuggers. They also make kinda silly squeaky noises – an audio reminder that this movie is PG-13 and not R.
Q: What happens when those little buggy guys bite you?
A: They must plant something in you, because you “get dizzy” and then you explode!
Q: Ahhhh! That’s insane!
Q: Let’s back up a bit. Is Cloverfield any good?
A: Sh*t yeah. This is a great time at the movies. It isn’t perfect (the acting is problematic) and there are some mixed signals with tone (if this is supposed to be so naturalistic, why all the corny jokes?) but for a thrill ride’s sake, it is top notch. See it in a theater, you need to be in a big dark room of people screaming and you need to hear those sound effects. Another reason to see it in a theater – you will get to see the Star Trek trailer. They didn’t show this at the press screening. So, in a way, I suck.
Q: Sound effects? Does he sound like Godzilla?
Q: Do you ever find out what the monster is?
A: Not really.
Q: Does it end all lame like The Sopranos or does it have a real ending?
A: A little of both. You never learn what happens (everything you see is “discovered tape”) in the larger world, but you learn what happens to the characters you’ve been following.
Q: What happens to the characters we’ve been following?
A: Everybody dies.
Q: Oy vey!
A: But they find love.
Q: Really? Who cares?
A: You gotta make your movie about something. Otherwise it is just a lot of running. As it is, it still is mostly running.
Q: How long into the movie until we see the monster?
A: About 15 – 20 minutes in is the first attack. Even though you don’t see the monster during this attack (well, you see him for a flash) this is actually the scariest part of the film. And will be the most controversial. There is some imagery taken directly from the photos taken in New York on Sept 11, 2001 and that kinda made me a little queasy. 15 – 20 minutes after that you get some quality shots of the monster. And then there are more sprinkled throughout. By the end, he’s right in your face.
Q: Why is the movie called Cloverfield?
A: No real reason. The “found tape” that we see is labeled “Cloverfield” by the Defense Department. The tape is discovered in the “area formerly known as Central Park” and all we see is the tape. The tape, as you probably know by now, is meant to be a recording for a friend’s going away party. The party is interrupted by an attacking monster. In a dang clever move it is disovered that the tape with the bulk of the action is recording over something that was taped a few weeks past. We see flashes of this whenever the camera is knocked around too much or the shooter (a dude named Hud who is kind’ve a putz) stops filming for a minute. It is a cheap ploy, but it works.
Q: What else? Tell me tell me tell me!
A: Some awesome stuff right at the end. The monster is tearing up the area around Grand Central. We get in a helicopter. A stealth bomber starts blowing the hell out of the monster. We think we’ve won, but then the monster jumps up and smacks the helicopter. Everyone in the theater jumps. Then we crash in Central Park.
Q: Will sticklers about New York City geography be frustrated?
A: Actually, they do a pretty good job. Better than most movies. But anyone who has been at the 6 stop on Spring Street (or the entry into Bloomingdale’s from the 59th St station) will be a little vexed. Nothing takes me out of a movie faster than that.
Q: What other movie is this most like?
A: A little Poseidon Adventure, but with a monster. Although a fairly esoteric 80s flick Miracle Mile kept coming to mind. Ticking clock, searching for your lost love, no escape. Miracle Mile is a better movie. But Cloverfield has a kick-ass monster and many awesome sequences.
Q: Is the party scene an accurate depiction of young, upwardly mobile hipsters in New York.
A: Yeah, I hate to say it, but yeah.
Q: How come the only African-American men you see in this movie are looting an electronics store?
A: I dunno, but I was pretty flabbergasted by that and I hope someone calls the filmmakers out on it.
Q: What does Slusho have to do with the movie?
A: Nothing. Some dude wears a Slusho T-Shirt. Then he gets killed by a monster.
Q: Does it leave room for a sequel.
A: Hells yes. And I’ll be stunned if there isn’t one – a straight to DVD at least. So many unanswered questions. And all it takes is one of those little buggy guys to run across the George Washington Bridge into Jersey to come after YOOOOOUUUUU!!!!!!